We all have things we regret. Maybe it’s a what if game of a promotion not taken or a major not chosen in college, or, maybe it’s just one of those annoying little cringey ones that pop up out of nowhere and make you remember telling a sex joke while hammered at your significant other’s company Christmas party. No matter what it is, it’s probably not something too significant like, say, YOUR CHILD. There are maybe, I don’t know, a hundred or so people who should consider regretting their children in some form, whether it’s how they were raised or just having them in general. Hitler’s and Usama Bin Laden’s parents come to mind, but for the other several billion of us who have, do, and will continue to exist throughout history, we’re okay. We might swan dive into a giant pile of shit and make our parents shudder in repulsed surprise at our lack of awareness, but probably not to the point they lament their bringing us into the world.
Unless, unfortunately, you’re Sam McRoberts’s son. This guy. This, fuckin, guy, actually tweeted his son is his biggest life regret. Are you shittin’ me Sam? Your son is your biggest life regret? You have a whole ass life, years, decades, and you’re telling me your SON is your biggest regret? Your fucking son is what keeps you up at night? THAT’S what you’d go back and change? I spent all of 1 minute on ole Sammy Boy’s profile and found 5 (five: 1,2,3,4,5) things I guarantee, I assure, I bet my whole ass life, are more regretful than Sam’s son. Let’s take a look.
5.Putting Your Myers Briggs Type In Your Bio
Myers Briggs has been debunked more times than the flat earth theory, yet Sam’s got it stamped on his front page like someone’s going to get to his page and say, “ooooh yes an INTJ hmm yes I can definitely work with him, thank God he’s not a C U N T or else this partnership would be impossible. I got an acronym for ya Sam, FOH bro.
4. This Weird Ass M’Lady Stan Tweet to Jeff Bezos
Look, everyone tweets something at a celeb they shouldn’t. I’ve told some celebs to fuck off, I might’ve told Tiger I love you after his first tournament back. It happens. But Sam has left moderately awkward celebrity interaction Twitter and is now the mayor of inappropriate cringe Stan Twitter. He’s not even replying to Bezos, he just mentioned him and gave a weird ass Cumberbatch hat tip gif. Who the fuck uses that? Weird ass Sam, that’s who.
3. Defending His Horrible Tweet With Passive Aggression
Again, people make mistakes. It’s inevitable we’re going to screw up, and when that happens, it’s best to just take our L as quietly as we can. Sam doesn’t see it that way. For Sam, if you tweet something
controversial insensitive and painful, the best thing to do is double down and assert that it’s the mob who’s wrong, not you. Stand athwart the tide of little brains NOT tweeting about their kid being their life’s regret. I was going to edit it more but Drew’s response is spot on. Hope Sam’s kid mutes him with a foot to the groin.
2. His Profile Pic
You just had to know the kind of guy to have a profile pic like this was going to wild out. Personally, I would’ve thought he’d be getting out of pocket by declaring a need to legislatively revisit polygamy or incest, but hey, life’s full of surprises. The point is, anyone who willingly wears a vest that isn’t a circus ringleader, a Southern defense lawyer, or getting married, is not someone whose opinion needs to be given the time of day. Let’s hope if Sam’s son ever sees his Twitter he’s so revolted by the profile pic he doesn’t scroll down and see his own dad rebuking him to an internet full of strangers. Which, brings us to this.
1. Tweeting An Internet Full Of Strangers Your Son Is Your Life’s Regret
I guess no one told Sam the difference between voluntary and involuntary. Or maybe he never learned not to talk to strangers. Or, maybe, as this tweet evidences, he’s just a selfish, narcissistic, unfiltered idiot who believes an entire internet of strangers knowing his most private thought about his son to be a greater priority than the consequences of his son learning this thought. I mean can you imagine reading this, then trying to wrap your head around it, then suffering through some insincere half assed explanation from your prick dad? Allow me to quote the great Forrest Gump and say, “I know what love is.” Love is not whatever sort of twisted emotion Sam feels toward his son, even if he insisted he does in his preface to declaring him his life’s regret.
I hope Sam’s son never sees his egotistical lunatic dad’s moronic tweet. I hope Sam and his “concurring,” wife act better than they post online and their child lives their life believing them to be the most loved soul on the planet. I also hope, Sam’s scrote gets caught in a pencil sharpener, granting him his wish and relieving him of the peril of potentially bringing more regrets into this world. Fuck you Sam McRoberts, it’s on sight.
Normally this is where I urge a share or a donation, but instead I’m going to request if you liked this piece go to @Sams_antics and tell him just how dumb and wrong he is for regretting his son.