My mom and I talked every day. Most of the time it was nonsense. One of us would text the other something meaningless like a complaint about work or the weather or something inconsequential one of the dogs did. The point wasn’t the topic, it was for the conversation to last long enough for one of us to profess love or longing caused by a too prolonged absence. I miss it. As pointless as most of our conversations were there were still things I’d tell her first, things that happened that she got to hear about before everyone else because I wanted her opinion on them more than anyone, or because I thought she’d be the most interested. I’d like to share some of those things, if for no reason than keeping them bottled up isn’t doing me any good, but I’m not ready to speak about it yet, I’m not ready to talk in a way that confirms her passing. Still, it’d be nice to share some cool stuff I wish I could talk to my mom about.
- Lone Star Koozie: My mom and I had a weird relationship with each other regarding alcohol. She never hid the fact she drank, but in all the time we shared I think I only ever saw her drink twice, and one of those was nonalcoholic. After my dad died she just stopped drinking. She didn’t impose teetotaling on me though, at least not after I turned 21. I could send her a cool picture of a beer I found or tell her about going to a brewery or a bar or winery without fear of judgment. When I got a free paper bag Lone Star Beer koozie from Torchy’s the other day I immediately thought of her. That would’ve been a fun conversation to have.
- Going to the Broken Spoke and Texas Chili Parlor for Texas Independence Day: My mom lived in Austin for quite a while before I moved here. When my girlfriend and I made the move, even before then, when I would visit my girlfriend here, mom and I would often talk about cool places I went, things I did, and how similar or different it was from when she lived here. She came to visit not long after we moved in, and we went to the Texas Chili Parlor, a place she spoke of frequently. My girlfriend and I went there, and the Broken Spoke, for Texas Independence Day, and I desperately wish I could have shared all of that with her. It was so fun, but it didn’t feel whole not being able to talk to her and tell her how much I wish she could be there with me.
- My Tattoo: Just about everyone, myself included, forgets my mom has a tattoo. She expressed ambivalence about it, admitting to getting it on a whim but not hating it enough to have it removed. I, however, am proud of mine. Everything about it is to do with her and I wish I had gotten while she was still with me so I could really express to the one person it matters most who knows why I got it.
- This Cold Front: I loved talking with my mom about the weather. We both loved to complain about the cold, both loved to complain when it didn’t rain, then turn around and complain when it rained too much. Really the only weather we disagreed on was the heat. My mom prefers the heat, but she didn’t relish it and wish for it like I do. It’s below freezing right now, in March, in Texas, and is supposed to be below freezing until the middle of the week. I’d love to know what sort of distemper this cold front has her in.
- My Ten Year Highschool Reunion: My mom might be better than my three best friends for reminiscing on my time in high school. We rarely spoke of anyone I went to school with while I was in high school, but once I graduated she had no problem letting me know what she thought of my classmates, and was surprisingly much more in the know about goings on than I was. With my ten year reunion approaching it would be nice to have her to discuss whether or not I should go, what I think everyone will look like and what they’ll be doing, and how long I should stay before I ditch.
I miss having my mom to get all of this out to. She could, all in the same conversation, be a confidant, a sage, and a peer. I hope as the days go by I get better at sharing, at experiencing the world through a lens that doesn’t have her existence in the present, but no matter how much time goes by there will always be cool stuff I wish I could talk to my mom about.
Each week I want to share things I can’t talk to my mom about any more. If you have anything you wish you could share with a loved one that you want to add please comment or DM. If you enjoyed this piece like/RT/share and help keep my mom’s memory strong.