This started out as a tweet. I was lying on the gym floor, half ass stretching/procrastinating starting my half ass workout when I came upon someone martyring their perceived mediocrity. Normally I’d roll my eyes and continue scrolling, but a recent increase in the amount of woe is me posts on the TL already had me mulling takes on misery’s ability to function as a personality. Rather than write a whole piece on just self pity, I thought I’d gather what some of y’all have decided to make your entire Brand™️ and explain why these 10 things are not personalities.
3. Alcohol: This category encompasses a lot. I’ll start with the abuse of alcohol. That’s awesome you got blitzed on a Wednesday and you’re having Pedialyte and Tums for lunch in front of the whole office, but eventually you’re going to find invites to shit stop rolling in because everyone’s tired of having to drag along the drunk guy.
On the flip side, being a snob about booze is somehow less fun to be around than the guy who takes pulls from homeless people’s fifths. Booze snobs are forever judging every place they go, every menu they look at, and every drinking decision you make. The whole point of drinking to inebriation is to stop decision making so before you start tossing out ABV’s and IBU’s and what region of Kentucky the bourbon came from or what wood the wine was aged in, just stop and think if giving your friends a professor’s lecture on alcohol, something they’ve been partaking of for AT LEAST a decade, is really the move.
4. Caring for a child or animal: Being in total charge of a heartbeat that’s not yours is a big responsibility. I’ve been doing it for 8 and some change years with the best lil cow puppy that’s ever lived, and I’ve on more than one occasion been guilty of too much dog content. So I can empathize when someone who thought themselves incapable of guiding their own life feels like keeping two lives going is something to be celebrated. But just like you don’t let your kid house a whole box of Oreos, don’t go all in on making being a caregiver your entire existence. Remember for however much you love whatever it is you’re keeping alive, others will love maybe 1/1000th as much. Maybe. Post accordingly.
5. Relationship Status: Finding someone who your heart chooses every day is an incomparable feeling. Conversely, losing that feeling is often an immeasurable hurt. Too much of either is damaging. When you submerse yourself in your relationship you lose your individuality that made your partner find you in the first place, and, when you obsess over a love lost you deny yourself the possibility of someone finding you and loving you in the present because your existence is in the past. Your couple friends don’t want to bring you to anything if all you’re going to do is bitch their happiness while pointing out your singularity and your single friends For Sure don’t want to have to always send two invitations because you lost your ability to navigate the world alone.
6. Food: I don’t know when the first person put pizza or tacos on their social media bio, but someone really needs to burn their One Free Time Travel on finding that person and RKOing them into oblivion. Not me though, I’m saving mine for giving Bill Nye a People’s Elbow the instant he’s awarded a TV show. But that’s beside the point. Despite eating’s cruciality for survival, unless you’re Guy Fieri, food should not be your Brand™️. There are 7 billion and some odd people on this planet, I promise there’s going to be another mid twenties white dude who likes wings just like there’s going to be more than one sorority girl who can handle a large pepperoni all by herself.
7. Television: I could do a whole piece on the various TV shows y’all need to pump the brakes on. Instead, I’m just going to umbrella them and say if your whole persona revolves around a TV series, quoting it, using it as analogies to actual life, scheduling your world around its showings, you need to turn your TV off and go outside. Yes 1hr a week for several years is quite an investment, but don’t invest it in others’s faces.
8. Working Out: I don’t necessarily know that this one is the fault of the person obsessing over it. I’ve found that most gym junkies have naturally addictive personalities so they kind of can’t help flooding social media and their peers with fit ‘tent all day every day. Still, being subjected to gym posts is akin to being chastised over one’s own relatively unhealthy lifestyle. After a very short point people stop receiving your barrage of PR’s, new HIIT times, and scale progress as cause for congratulation and start letting their own insecurities project it as judgements against themselves. Try to limit your fit pics to an amount that won’t make everyone think you’re just posting them to underhandedly criticize their own unhealthy habits.
9. Job: It’s hard not to make the place you spend most of your week the thing you talk about the most. We all want to bitch about the shit we’re forced to deal with, and some of us have either so much shit, or so few outlets to talk about it, that social media is basically all we’re left with for venting. It’s also hard not to want to brag when you get that position you’ve been busting it for. That’s all fine. What’s not fine is using what you do for a living as a way to either belittle everyone who doesn’t do that, or as a cross to climb atop every time you feel you’re not getting enough attention. We all have our own jobs we hate, or jobs we wish we had, we don’t need you inundating the page with profession related cries for attention.
10. Hating Everything: One might note the hypocrisy of listing this given I’ve just devoted a thousand and several words to shitting on why it’s not okay to be existentially passionate about nine different things, but my hypocrisy has never been known for its limits. As stated earlier, we all have shit that grinds our gears, but if everything grinds your gears to the point you go out of your way to condescendingly disparage popular things, you’re not some edgelord living on the frontier of culture, you’re attention starved and looking to fulfill your thirst for notice through hating. Stop it. The Player Hater’s Ball isn’t real, stop trying to get nominated.
I missed some things. Don’t worry, there will be a “10 More Things That Aren’t Personalities,” soon enough, and then maybe 10 more after that depending on what we’re all obsessing over and how healthy that is. And I’m not saying we shouldn’t have interests. We should. It’s good to have interests. It’s better to have passions. But when you enter the realm of obsession that’s really only productive if you’re inventing the lightbulb, the internet, or crafting your field of skill’s Magnum Opus. Otherwise all singular existence is good for is being a boring party guest and running out of things to talk about faster than Bill Clinton at a convention of lifelong monogamists. Strive for well-roundedness, we’ll all be better off for it.
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