That Guy: Recruiting Guy

Maybe it’s always been this way. Maybe the only reason I think things have changed so drastically is I only really have a cognizant memory of college football for the last eight years. I don’t know how perverse the practice has or has not become. Whatever the case, college football is pretty God dang miserable. From the universities treating their programs like farm complexes to everyone who’s ever bought a school T-shirt hurtling their two cents into the well (see: this column right here), the whole sport’s become this bloated convoluted mess. You could do a tome of college football that guys, from tailgate hardos to playoff bracket hardos to armchair quarterbackers, the hall of that guys plucked out of the cesspool of college football would fill the stadiums all these jackasses spend a third of their yearly income to drunkenly pile into. By far though, the worst that guy in college football is recruiting guy.

Recruiting guy takes the college football that guy crown in an absolute domination. Between the arrogance he displays as he regurgitates commitment evaluations he pulled off some blog ran by guys only slightly more obnoxious yet no more knowledgeable of sports than him, to his perpetual bell ringing of every one of the “seasons,” college football apparently has. Did y’all know there’s more than just the regular and playoff season in college football? I sure as hell didn’t. I assumed the season ended when the national championship game was over but I guess I’m a bigger idiot than I look because there’s recruiting season, commitment season, early commit season, signing day, official visits, verbal commits, offseason visits from coaches. Hell with all that going on there’s virtually no time during the year that a grown ass man can’t obsess over a minor High School athlete. What a time to be alive.

For me that’s what’s so creepy about that guy. We’ve seen over the past couple weeks grown ass men lose their damn minds because a young boy they’ve never and will never meet did not want to play football for the team they like. Stop. Just take a minute and reflect on that. Crazy right? I mean, get a load of the guy thinking about himself like some kind of narcissistic asshole. Except he’s not an asshole, he’s a 17 year old kid thinking about what’s best for, surprisingly, not just the four years some overweight degenerate fan gives a shit about him.

If that recruiting guy were obsessed with anything else we’d look at him like a freak. But for some reason he gets a pass if it’s college football and young athletes he’s obsessing over. Oh, every time I’m around him he’s telling me about a three star recruit some other balding guy with a talk radio show that’s got a broadcast radius of three square miles is just certain we’re going to get an official visit and verbal commitment from? That’s okay, that’s definitely not a hobby I need to tell him to pump the brakes on. As long as it’s not Legos or cycling or some weird shit like that.

Let me be the first to tell you, it’s weird to know a random seventeen year old. It’s even weirder to know that seventeen year old exists on the internet. It’s downright fucking wrong to contact that seventeen year old on social media, or at all for that matter. Don’t do it. Don’t be that college football recruiting guy who obsesses over random minors on the internet.

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