That Guy: The Practice Green Terrorist

We’ve all met “That Guy.” Though we’d rather not admit it, some of us have been that guy on occasion. Much like Florida Man, That Guy takes on many personas. One day he’s “30 items in the 10 item or less” guy, the next he’s “doesn’t stop talking the entire Uber ride” guy. While his faces may be different, his objective is the same, insisting his existence to the world at the expense of his neighbor’s civility and peace. Each week we’ll take a look at which That Guy emerged from the sewers of humanity to wreak his havoc. This week’s edition of That Guy is The Practice Green Terrorist.

If you’ve ever practiced golf you know exactly who I’m talking about. He usually shows up in the evening, often sporting attire that should immediately alert everyone around him of the level of his insanity. His tools of terror are many. Sometimes it’s a shag bag bursting at the seams with Top Flites, other times it’s a homemade alignment contraption that looks more like a piece of scaffolding than a training aid. On the rarest and most heinous occasions, it’s a Bluetooth speaker positioned equally as far from himself and the hole he’s hitting to. Whatever his chosen weapon, he’s there to do two things, practice golf and piss everybody off.

Despite all the crap he brought with him the practice green terrorist will leave no better at golf than when he arrived. His hour and forty minute practice session will be a clinic on little more than how to effectively ingrain contempt of everyone around you. Why? Because none of what he’s about to do is conducive to being a better golfer. Hitting 31 stolen range balls out of a shag bag to the same hole doesn’t make one a better range player. It only makes you incrementally better at hitting that particular shot on your 18th instead of your 23rd try. Similarly, frolicking from hole to hole on the green like you’re traipsing across the country on a tour of every restaurant Guy Fieri’s been in won’t eliminate how frequently you 3 putt. It will however ruin the practice sessions of whoever’s line you’re currently elephant walking across.

Regardless of the transgression, be it skulling a dozen chip shots past the intended hole, chipping from far enough away to leave divots, or hauling half your large bucket down to the practice area and leaving it scattered across the green like a hailstorm, the result is the same. You’re no better at golf than when you started, and everyone you insulted with your antics wishes they could obliterate you from existence. The practice green is a hallowed space, one that’s to be respected and used for serious game improvement, not trotting out the new Niblick wedge you bought off an infomercial on Golf Channel. All you need to use the practice green is

1 golf ball.

1 putter

1 scrambling club

That’s it. This is your recipe for success. Bring this down to the practice green and leave your Hank Haney sightline trainer in the garbage where it belongs. See you on the tee.

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